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Questions to an australian tourist agency

Don't be angry if people ask you stupid questions. Deal with it like those employees in an australian tourist agency...

Question from UK: Does the wind ever blow in Australia? On TV, I have never seen it's raining there, so I wonder how plants grow ...
Answer: All plants we import already grown up and then we sit and watch them die.

Question from USA: Will I be able to see kangaroos on the street?
Answer: It depends on how much you drank.

Question from Sweden: I would like to go on foot from Perth do Sydney. Can I just follow the railway track?
Answer: Sure. It's only 3000 miles, take a little bit more water with you...

Question from Sweden: Is it safe in Australia to run through bushes?
Answer: So it's true what they say about you Swedes...

Question from Italy: It is of great importance to me to find out the names and adresses of people I can contact concerning stuffed porcupines.
Answer: We won't touch this subject.

Question from UK: Do you have ATM's in Australia? Can you send me a list of all ATM's, if there are some, in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
Answer: What did your most recent slave die of?

Question from USA: Can you give me some information about the races of hippopotamuses?
Answer: A-fri-ca is a big, triangular continent south of Europe. Au-stra-li-a is that big island in the middle of Pacific where there is not... well, never mind. Sure, the races of hippopotamuses are going on every tuesday evening in Kings Cross. Free entrance for nudists, come naked.

Question from USA: Which way is the North in Australia?
Answer: Face the South and then turn for 90 degrees. Contact us when you arrive here and we will send you the rest of direction.

Question from UK: Am I allowed to bring the cutlery in Australia?
Answer: Why?? You can eat with your fingers, just like us.

Question from USA: Can you send me the schedule of the concerts of Wienna Boys?
Answer: Au-stri-a is that likeable little country neighbouring Germany, which is... well, never mind. Sure, Wienna Boys choir is singing every tuesday evening in Kings Cross, right after the races of hippopotamuses. Come naked, free entrance for nudists.

Question from France: Do you have parfumes in Australia?
Answer: No,WE don't stink.

Question from USA: I developed the new product, the source of youth. Can you tell me where in Australia I could sell it?
Answer: Anywhere where you can find a bigger group of American tourists.

Question from UK: Can I wear shoes with high hills in Australia?
Answer: You are a British politician, aren't you?

Question from Italy: Can you tell me where in Tasmania there's a lot less women than men?
Answer: Yes, in gay clubs.

Question from France: Do you celebrate Christmass in Australia?
Answer: Only on Christmass.

Question from Germany: Do you have supermarkets in Australia and can I buy milk?
Answer: No, we are peaceful civilisation of vegan hunters and gatherers. Milk is against the law.

Question from USA: Can you send me the list of all doctors in Australia who have the serum for rattlesnake bite?
Answer: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca where YOU come from. All australian snakes are totally harmless and easy to tame.

Question from USA: I have a question about one well known australian animal, but I've forgotten it's name. It's some kind of a bear and lives on a tree.
Answer: Oh yes, they are called jumpbears. Jumpbears jump from the tree and eat brains of people passing under the tree. You can repel them by covering yourself with human urine before you go for a walk.

Question from USA: I was in Australia on a leave from army in 1969. and I would like to find a girl I was seeing while I was in Kins Cross. Can you help me?
Answer: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Question from USA: Would I be able to converse in English in all places I plan to visit?
Answer: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.