function somequotes(){
var quotes=new Array()

quotes[0]='The drunk man comes home. He finds the bottle, but the glass he turned upside down so the wine was pouring out. - Fools, they have started to make corked glasses now! Then he turns the glass: - What the f***k, it has no bottom either!'
quotes[1]='The drunk man in a tram vomits on the fur coat of some lady. - Be ashamed of yourself, you dirty pig! - And why are you... hiccup... shouting, better take a look how dirty YOU are!'
quotes[2]='A man comes to confession: - Father, I cheated on my wife! - How many times? - But father, I did not come here to boast!'
quotes[3]='A counry man comes to town and sees the elevator for the first time. An old woman went in, and a moment later when the elevator came back, a beatiful girl comes out. - Wow! Here I will bring my wife!'
quotes[4]='In a village church the priest is preaching: What is going on here I am asking you?! One day I was walking down the road, in one bush I saw her and him, in the other her and her, and in the third him and him! What is going on folks!? From the audience there comes the whisper: - Luckily he did not go any further, he would find ME AND ME  in the fourth bush!'
quotes[5]='- Why are you dragging that rope? - And what would you do, push it?'
quotes[6]='A Scotsman was praying every day to win a lottery. After a month a sky opens, God shows himself and says: - MacFry! You will win the bloody lottery - but BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!'
quotes[7]='- Doc, I have finally bought the hearing aid! - Great! And how is your lovely wife? - And it was very cheap!'
quotes[8]='In the middle of the night one blonde phones the other: - Is that one-1-1 one-1-1? - No, this is hundred and eleven hundred and eleven. - Oh, sorry I woke you up! - Nothing, nothing, my phone was ringing anyhow!'
quotes[9]='A kid comes from the school: -Dad, dad!! A have almost got A in mathematics! -How come son? -One that sits next to me got it!'
quotes[10]='How Montenegros say bastard? - A child of an unknown hero!'
quotes[11]='How do you count a herd of cattle? With a cowculator'
quotes[12]='A blond orders pizza. Waiter asks: cut in two or four pieces? A blond responds: in two, I am on a diet! '
quotes[13]='A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the  school play. -Wonderful, says the mother, -What part is it? The boy says -I play the part of the Scottish husband! The mother scowls and says: -Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'
quotes[14]='A policeman comes out of the bakery, meets his friend and says: "If you guess how many croissants I have in my pocket I will give you both".'
quotes[15]='Two Americans are talking. -What is the difference between capitalism and communism? -That is easy! says the other one. - In capitalism man exploits man. In communism it is the other way around'
quotes[16]='An Englishman, roused by a Scots scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. -Man, scoffed the Scot, -Have you no ambition?'
quotes[17]='-Where are you going? - I am looking all over the town to get something for my head! - And how much do you plan to get for it?'
quotes[18]='Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife: - Hurry up or we will be late! - Oh, be quiet,replied his wife. - I have been telling you for the last hour that I will be ready in a minute!'
quotes[19]='A boozer visits doctor: - I really can not say what is wrong with you. I think it is bacause of alcohol. - Right doctor, I will come when you sober down!'
quotes[20]='A guy comes to see a doctor, his hands tremble hard: - It seems that you drink too much? - How can I drink too much, I spill half of it!'
quotes[21]='An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: woman without her man is nothing. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: Woman, without her man, is nothing. The women wrote: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'
quotes[22]='An English man and a Irishman are sitting in a pub. The Englishman says: - The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free. The Irish man says: -Your pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag. -WOW! Did that happen to you? -No, but it happened to my sister!'
quotes[23]='A blond calls the airport to ask how much time does it take from Zagreb to New York. Woman clerk says: - Just a moment... Blond says: - Thank you! - and hang up.'
quotes[24]='One policeman asks another: - Where have you been born? - At home, and you? - In the hospital. - Why, what was wrong with you?'
quotes[25]='Man: - I would really like to get into your pants! Woman: - No thanks. There is already one asshole in there.'
quotes[26]='What is the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you do not think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!'
quotes[27]='Q:WHY WAS JESUS CHRIST NOT BORN IN IRELAND? A:They could not find three wise men and a virgin.'
quotes[28]='Little mosquito comes back home after his first flight. - How did it go son? - asks his mother. - Perfect! Everybody applauded!'
quotes[29]='- How can you say to your sister that she is stupid? Say you are sorry at once! - Sis, I am very sorry that you are stupid!'
quotes[30]='Two babies are talking: 1.you sleep? 2.no sleep. 1.what you do? 2.eating biscuit 1.give me? 2.I sleep!'
quotes[31]='Q:How many Blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A:Ten.... One to actually change the bulb and the other nine to sing about how good the old one was!'
quotes[32]='-Did you hear for that band Duran Duran? -Of course I heard, you do not have to say it twice...'
quotes[33]='Why they do not make parties on Mars?....- Because there is not proper atmosphere!'
quotes[34]='What do you call an Irish seven course meal? A potato and a six-pack.'
quotes[35]='Do you know that women used to run after me? -And now? -I do not steal handbags any more.'
quotes[36]='Q: What is your position regarding when a fetus becomes a human being? A: When it graduates medical school.'
quotes[37]='Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours? A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.'
quotes[38]='A man comes to the station to buy a train ticket: -One return ticket please.- To where? - To here, where else?'
quotes[39]='A driver drives on the highway and listens to the radio. On the news he hears: - Warning for the drivers: One idiot drives on a highway in wrong direction! And the man comments: - ONE? I SEE THOUSANDS!'
quotes[40]='A man is drowning in the sea and couple of Montenegros watch from the shore: - Did you see that man who is drowning? - Oh yes, we saw! - And we are standing still. - Oh yes, we are. - Well, lets sit then!'
quotes[41]='One blond says to another: "Do you know that this year Christmas is on Friday?". The other responds: "It is not the thirteenth I hope!".'
quotes[42]='Sam: -Would you punish me for something I did not do? Teacher: - No, of course not. Sam: - Good, because I did not do my homework!'
quotes[43]='How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.'
quotes[44]='The teacher says: -Stand up if you consider yourself stupid. Nobody stands up. After a while Sam gets up. Stunned, teacher asks: -You consider yourself stupid? And Sam says: -Oh not, but I was sorry to see you being only one who is standing.'
quotes[45]='What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.'
quotes[46]='Five policemen come to the news-stand and one of them asks: -Did Alan Ford came out? - No. - Guys, surround!!'
quotes[47]='Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.'
quotes[48]='How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.'
quotes[49]='Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It is $5. if you make your own bed. Guest: I will make my own bed.  Innkeeper: Good. I will get you some nails and wood.'
quotes[50]='- Tomorrow we have the 10th anniversary of marriage. Shall we stick a pig? - Why? It is not its fault.'
quotes[51]='He: What do you think about those three blondes making so much noise in the neighbourhood dear? She: - F****k them...He: - Well, I was planing to, but I did not know how to tell you...'
quotes[52]='In one Indian village the chief Two Feathers is choosing woman. After a hot night he says: -Listen woman, if something happens to you within nine months, you got it from great chief Two Feathers. And she says: -Listen chief, if something happens to you within 10-15 days, you got it from Three Feathers!'
quotes[53]='Listen, either your dog is not the bird-dog or I am not throwing it high enough!'
quotes[54]='What is the difference between Bill Gates and Robert Tapen, hacker on Internet? Robert got six months of prison because he knocked down the system on ten percent of computers. Bill Gates earned 10 million on computers on which too the system is falling down every day.'
quotes[55]='Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.  Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!  Wife: You wear shorts!'
quotes[56]='At the logic class Peter farted so strong that the whole classroom smelled very bad. Teacher immediately showed him the door. Peter started to laugh: - F****k the logic...I am send out on the fresh air, and they stayed to breathe in the smell.'
quotes[57]='A lady says to the psychiatrist: -I think I might be a nymphomaniac. He says: - I will see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour. She says: - How much for all night?'
quotes[58]='Two policemen are going to work: - Shall we take a bus or walk? The other says: - Well, lets see what arrives first.'
quotes[59]='Wife says: - Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house? He says: - No, our house is not blue.'
quotes[60]='Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb? A: None. He just calls a meeting and makes darkness the standard.'
quotes[61]='A kid runs after a policeman: - Sir, sir, is this your nightstick? - No son, I have lost mine! - says the policeman.'
quotes[62]='My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. -Because, my son explained, -they say it has to have at least four characters.'
quotes[63]='Two guys are talking: -Do you know that in New York every three minutes one woman is being run over. - Wow, she is quite enduring I must say...'
quotes[64]='A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. -Congratulations, says the nurse to the new parents. -What will you name the baby? The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, -I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.'
quotes[65]='A gang of snails attacked a turtle. The police comes for investigation. The policeman asks the turtle: - How did they attack you? - I do not know, they did it quick as lightning!'
quotes[66]='You are unmarried? - the director asks a young actress. - Yes, sir, for the third time...'
quotes[67]='There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "great" he said, -I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger! He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.'
quotes[68]='A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it. There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.'
quotes[69]='Dad, what are discreet questions? - Son, those are the questions you can not always answer. - Well, today my teacher asked me only discreet questions...'
quotes[70]='One policeman says to the other: -Yesterday I bought the brush for WC. -And? -Well, somehow I still find the paper better.'
quotes[71]='Mom and dad are teaching the baby to talk: -What says the cat? - Mew, mew... - Good! And what says the dog? - Wow, wow... -Great! And what says the mouse? -Click, click...'
quotes[72]='An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, -Have you ever been arrested? he wrote, -No. The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was -Why? The applicant answered it anyway:-Never got caught.'
quotes[73]='Two soldiers lay in a trench. Suddenly, one starts to scream. - Why are you screaming? - asks the other. - Sniper shot me in my leg! - So why are you screaming, yesterday Sam was shot in the head but he did not make a sound!'
quotes[74]='If your wife is beating you in tennis, change the sport. If your wife is beating you in boxing, change the wife. '
quotes[75]='What do two policemen walking the steet do? Argue which one will walk in the middle.'
quotes[76]='Advertisement in newspaper: MY NAME IS DAVID, AGE 27, OWNER OF TWO APARTMENTS, ONE HOUSE, DRIVE BMW, HAVE MY OWN FIRM. I AM NOT BUYING OR SELLING ANYTHING NOR LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, I AM JUST BOASTING!'
quotes[77]='An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.'
quotes[78]='The judge asks the accused: - How could you run over 52 people? - My brakes failed! - Could you not turn somewhere? - Well, I did! On my left I saw 2 men, and on the right a bus station and 50 people! I thought, it was better to run over 2 then 50 of them and turned left! And when I run over the first one, the second, idiot, started to run toward those 50!'
quotes[79]='Teacher: Tell me Paul, where the Sudan negros live? Little Paul can not remember. Teacher: Let me help you. Where can you find the London bridge? Paul: (after a minute of thinking) Well, in London I suppose. Teacher: Excellent! So where the Sudan negros live then? Paul: In London.'
quotes[80]='I have nothing personal against black people. Indeed, I think everyone should buy at least two of them.'
quotes[81]='A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. -OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. -Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked. -Yes, Yes, Yes! the bats all screamed in a frenzy. -Good, said the bat, -Because I sure as hell did not!'
quotes[82]='Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. -I will never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives. His wife replies, -Well, thank you, dear!'
quotes[83]='A policeman is asking the arrested: - Name? - John! -Surname? - Smith!- Born? - YES!'
quotes[84]='An old lady puts on her hat, checks it in the mirror and then starts to think and says: - Poor me, do I have to go out or I have just came back...?'
quotes[85]='Englishman:- My wife is like a lion in bed...Frenchman:- My wife is gentle like a butterfly... Croat:- Mine does not look like a human being either...'
quotes[86]='An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. -No, not worth it! -OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds? -No, not worth it! -OK, 20? -No, not worth it! -How about 10? -No, not worth it! -Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it? -Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.'
quotes[87]='How a man from Dalmatia takes a shower? Sets on fire the wood and waits for a firefighting plane'
quotes[88]='The elephant asks the camel: -Why do you have boobs on your back? -Mmmmmm, responds the camel, -that is a very strange question from someone who has his d**k hanging from his face!!!'
quotes[89]='A cab driver reaches the Gates of Heaven and announces his presence to St. Peter. St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and to his astonishment St. Peter says: -Okay, we will let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff. -But St. Peter, I am a man of the church. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie. St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: -This is heaven and, up here, we are interested in the results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.!!!"'
quotes[90]='There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer. So the teacher asks Bobby,-How do you call this animal? -I do not know, claims Bobby. So then she says, -I will give you a hint.It is how your mother calls your father. The boy thinks for a minute and then says, -Oh so that is how a son of a bitch looks like!'
quotes[91]='Instruction labels: ON TESCO TIRAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.'
quotes[92]='Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one question to get into heaven. The first nun is asked who the first man on earth was. She replies, -Oh that is easy, Adam! Lights flash and the pearly gates open. The second nun is asked -Who was the first woman on earth? She says, -That is easy, Eve! Lights flash and the gates open. The third nun is asked, -What was the first thing Eve had said to Adam? The nun is puzzled and can not figure it out, so she says, -That is a hard one. Lights flash up and the pearly gates open.'
quotes[93]='A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly disbelieving. -What is the gimmick? he inquired. -No gimmick,the woman answered. -My husband died, and in his will he asked the car to be sold and money to be given to his secretary.'
quotes[94]='-Why the God made blondes so beautiful? -To make men to fall in love with them! -And why did he make them so stupid? -To make them fall in love with men.'
quotes[95]='A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eye patch went to apply for a role of the pirate. Interviewer: How did you get that peg leg? Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the First World War. Interviewer: How did you get that hook? Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife. Interviewer: What about your eye patch? Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye. Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hooks.'
quotes[96]='I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I have also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. The Flower Shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, -From Bob, and to the funeral home they sent the card that said,-I know it is hot where you are going, but you deserve it.'
quotes[97]='At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand. -What if that day I just stay home because I am sexually exhausted? -Well, I guess you would just have to use your other hand to write with...'
quotes[98]='The three latest stupid technological discoveries: 1.) Solar powered flashlights. 2.) Inflatable dartboards. 3.) Helicopter ejection seats.'
quotes[99]='Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, -Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that? The woman shot her an angry look, -Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!'


var whichquote=Math.floor(Math.random()*(quotes.length));
var end='<br><FONT SIZE="1">[<a href=http://www.go-mrav.com/ target=_blank>go-mrav.com</a>]</FONT>'
document.write(quotes[whichquote]+end)}
somequotes();